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I read and re-read the lists. I wanted him to play it safe. I first saw the falseness of this years ago. I hope you die a miserable death. We could call it, dare I say, happiness. I just know it is true for me right now. So much so that I actually recall instances in which I wished in horror that myself would get cancer and die a painful death. Because I could never figure out perfectly what feeling good was or what I really wanted. I just know it is true for me right now. The amount of yearly income needed The number of years this income will be needed The average annual percentage of interest your investments will earn Future college education expenses Anticipated funeral and burial expenses Retirement needs Special needs for children or other family member s The Application Process Buying life insurance typically takes weeks. As I wrote in a recent post, to be willing to truly stop, to give up, to make no effort, to relax the conditioned self-protective mechanism against life happening, to release that fixation on thought and feeling and problem — that goes against the momentum of a lifetime. What I was wishing for, in wishing that he was still alive, was that he would have deadened down a bit, closed his heart, lied about who he was and what he needed.

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Myself was the thing just a little further out, and it contained all the unwanted stuff pinned on me. And if we want to say that there is truth, if we want to give a name to it, that is fine. Cars were zipping by at 80 miles per hour, and he was sitting there calmly, regally, as though nothing was happening. Generally, the younger you are, the more insurance you need to replace a loss of lifetime income for your beneficiary. But by tuning into the indifference, I get to discover that I am that and that is me and the real me is myself and myself is the real me.

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